Brazil Overcomes Codependency to Break Cycle of Unhealthy Relationships

A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior, according to author Melody Beattie.

From a young age, one individual felt insecure in their own skin. They were a highly sensitive child and struggled with low self-worth for most of their life. Although they had many friends and a good family, they consistently looked for approval outside of themselves. They grew up believing that the opinions of others were the only accurate representations of their core worth.

As a teenager, they witnessed the crumbling and eventual end of their parents’ marriage. During those years, they felt a lot like an island. They were often plagued with a dark, mysterious unhappiness. Standard teenage growing pains combined with the trauma of losing their familial identity. In a desperate attempt to counter these negative feelings, they sought the approval of others. When it was not provided, they felt like a failure. They were caught up in a vicious cycle of seeking outside confirmation that they were good enough.

At school, they adopted the role of the boy-crazy-funny-girl. They wanted to be adored, nurtured, and cherished. They kept a list of all the cute boys at their school and spent hours daydreaming about a blissful, fairy tale love. They consistently focused on seeking happiness outside of themselves. This habitual practice led to an inability to be content unless something or someone was providing validation. Most of the time, they felt like they were not good enough. This falsely instilled belief led them into a decade-long struggle with codependency.

The first codependent relationship they were involved in began when they were nineteen. The partner was ten years older, and unbeknownst to them at the time, a cocaine addict. Their routine was unhealthy and unproductive. They would spend weekends drinking and gambling at a local pool hall. More often than not, they spent their entire weekly paycheck by the end of Saturday night. The partner belittled them, called them names, and consistently criticized their appearance and weight. The partner compared them to previous girlfriends. They began to see themselves as an incomplete person, one in need of major repairs and upgrades. They were so emotionally fragile that the wind could have knocked them over.

In a frantic effort to preserve themselves, they adopted several fear-based behaviors. They became obsessed with the partner. They were controlling and jealous. They needed to know everything about the partner’s past. They wanted desperately for the partner to accept them. Over the ten months they spent together, they neglected their body and mind. Their weight dropped a staggering thirty pounds. They were completely disconnected from their family and friends. They developed severe anxiety and suffered crippling panic attacks. They knew something had to change, so they gathered the courage and left.

They thought they were rid of this unhealthy lifestyle, but the bad habits carried into their next two relationships. They spent four years with a person they loved very much. However, that partner’s alcohol dependency brought all of their insecurities and controlling behavior back into play. They spent four years flip-flopping between wonderful loving moments and horrific physical fights that left them both numb and depressed. When this relationship ended, they sought comfort in yet another unavailable partner, one that could not provide the stability they so badly needed.

Such is the nature of the codependent person, they said. They seek out what is familiar, but not necessarily what is good for them. After logging close to a decade of codependent hours, they finally faced themselves. They knew that if they did not make significant changes, they would be forever trapped in a life that was unconducive to their spiritual and emotional growth. In a scene eerily similar to Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love bathroom breakdown, they faced the music. They got a small apartment and started their recovery.

The first few days spent alone were absolutely torturous. They cried and cried. They had trouble doing basic tasks, like walking their dog or getting groceries. They had completely turned inward, nurturing their turmoil like an old friend. Anxiety-ridden and lonely, they did the only thing they could think of: they asked for help. The first step they took was ordering Melody Beattie’s book Codependent No More. This is probably the most significant self-improvement book they have ever read. They felt a weight being lifted as they read, page by page.

Finally, they were able to understand all of the behaviors, feelings, and emotions they had struggled with for so long. They were a textbook case, their highlighter affirmed as they completed the “codependency checklist.” Some of those questions may speak to others as well. Do you feel responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, and destiny? Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or try to take care of their feelings? Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you? Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others? Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you? Do you feel empty, bored, and worthless if you do not have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with? Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking, and worrying about other people and their problems? Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love? Do you stay in relationships that do not work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you? Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that do not work, either?

After acknowledging their codependency, they connected with an online support group for family members of addicts and alcoholics. This gave them a platform to share their story without judgment. Little by little, they healed their aching heart. The most significant things they learned on this journey include: without change, nothing changes. This is a simple yet profound truth. It is reminiscent of Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. The cycle of codependency can only be overcome by establishing and nurturing a super-loving relationship with yourself. Otherwise, you will continually find yourself in unhealthy, codependent relationships.

Another lesson is that we cannot control others, and it is not our job to do so. Over the years, they were constantly trying to control and micromanage other people’s behavior in an effort to escape their own negative feelings. They chose partners with alcohol and drug dependencies. Often, they chose angry and avoidant men. By focusing on what was wrong with them, they could ignore what was empty and unfulfilled in themselves. They thought this would give them a feeling of stability. In fact, it did the opposite. Surrendering the need to control other people provides the necessary space to connect with ourselves.

Love and obsessions are not the same. They falsely believed for many years that love and obsession were one and the same. They gave so much of themselves to their partners, naively thinking that this was the road to happiness. They learned that healthy love requires both partners to have unique, individual identities outside of the romantic relationship. Time alone, with friends, and to work on personal projects allows you to really connect when you are together, without feeling suffocated. We build trust when we afford ourselves and our partners some breathing room.

For many years they neglected their own needs. They now prioritize personal time to do individual activities: reading, writing, walking, reflecting. They started to heal once they learned to incorporate self-love rituals into their life. One of their favorite things to do is spend the evening in a warm bubble bath, light some candles, and listen to Alan Watts lectures. Life is not an emergency, they concluded. They consistently lived in a high-stress vortex, terrified of people and situations. Learning to slow down and recognize that most problems are not life-threatening has been a key part of their recovery.