Brazil’s Guide for Perfectionist Parents Trying Too Hard

“The greatest gift you can give your children is your own healing,” said Dr. Shefali Tsabary.

Am I doing too much or not enough? Am I ruining my child? Am I being too hard on my child or too soft? Am I spending enough time with my child? Do I help too much or should I help more?

Will my son be taken advantage of because he talks about his feelings? Will my daughter be considered too bossy because she has boundaries? Should I be doing more as a parent, or less?

These questions flood the minds of parents who had childhood trauma and are trying to heal while parenting. Their main goal is simple: not to do to their children what was done to them.

Many people share that goal before having children. They tell themselves they will not have a baby until they have healed enough to not repeat the trauma they experienced growing up. Many think that will not be too hard.

They vow never to dismiss their child’s feelings. They plan to be emotionally and physically present. No matter what the child goes through, they will be compassionate, nurturing, and unconditionally loving.

That is what children need and deserve. It is also what the parents themselves needed and deserved.

But then the questions start. The doubt. The constant second-guessing. That voice that quietly asks if you are doing it wrong. One writer calls that “Not Good Enough Stuff.”

No matter how many loving things a parent does, that voice still shows up. Am I talking about feelings too much? Should I let my child handle things with friends on their own? When my child is upset and says they need space, do I leave or stay close?

When I think a teacher is being unfair, do I step in or let it go? If I know my child needs help, do I wait for them to ask, or do I offer it?

It is exhausting trying to get it right all the time. Underneath everything often lie two core fears.

The first is this: Am I giving my child too much affection? One parent explains they always ask their son if he wants a hug before giving one.

Recently, the son was upset about something that happened at school. The parent sat next to him and asked, “Do you want a hug?” He did not look up and said, “No.”

The parent paused, unsure what to do next. Every part of them wanted to pull him in anyway, to comfort him in the way they always needed but did not get.

Instead, they asked, “Do you want me to sit with you or give you space?” The son replied, “Just sit there.” So the parent did, sitting in silence and fighting the urge to fix the situation.

In that moment, the mind races. Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I getting this wrong?

That moment can hit something deeper for parents who did not receive consistent affection and comfort as children. For a long time, they may have thought that was normal.

That belief can start to shift with a simple experience. One person recalls the first time they spent the night at a friend’s house. Before bed, the friend’s mother hugged them.

It felt like one of the best feelings ever experienced safe, warm, and easy. They wanted more of that.

So, the next night, they told their own mother what happened and asked if she would start hugging them at bedtime, too. It did not go well.

The mother became triggered and angry. She said if her child wanted a mom like that, they could go live with her.

This story is not shared to shame the mother. She likely did not receive affection or nurturing either. She probably did not know how to give something she never had.

But as a child, the lesson learned was that their needs were too much. Those beliefs do not just disappear when we grow up. They follow us into adulthood, into relationships, and into parenting.

So now, when a child says no to a hug, it does not just feel like a simple preference. It brushes up against something old. And that is where “Not Good Enough Stuff” gets louder.

The second fear underneath all of this is quieter, but just as powerful: Am I pushing my child too much to talk about his feelings? Am I setting him up to be seen as weak?

Why do parents do this to themselves? Like so many things, it goes back to childhood. They had emotional needs that were not met, and now they are trying to make sure their children do not experience that same emptiness. That is a positive intention.

But there is one major problem. They were never shown how to do this. It is like trying to get somewhere without a map.

One writer compares it to moving across the country, from Mississippi to the mountains of Southern Oregon, with no directions, no GPS, and no guide. You would probably get there eventually, but you would take wrong turns, get lost, and feel frustrated along the way. That is what this parenting journey can feel like.

Parents know the kind of parents they want to be. They just do not have a clear path for how to get there. So, they make mistakes, and then they criticize themselves for making them.

They try so hard to give their kids what they did not have that they start to question if they are overcorrecting. But here is something that can ground a parent when that voice gets loud.

People often think they need to give their kids more: more activities, more opportunities, more things.

But some children who had very little financially, whose emotional needs were met, were okay, even more than okay. They were often more emotionally healthy than other kids.

Conversely, it is possible to have material things but not have the affection, comfort, and nurturing that actually mattered. Many people would have given up a lot of what they had just to feel safe, seen, and loved. That reminder brings the focus back to what actually matters.

Not perfection. Connection.

Of course, parents are going to make mistakes. That is unavoidable. In some ways, they will get it wrong. But what makes the difference is this.

They are doing things their parents did not do. They reflect. They question. They care. They are willing to change.

They are working on their own healing while raising their child. That matters more than getting everything right.

These parents are likely doing something meaningful that their child will carry for life. Maybe they apologize when they mess up. Maybe they listen instead of dismissing. Maybe they try again the next day. Those things are not small.

Parents sometimes lose their temper with their children. In those moments, they might hear echoes of how they were raised, and sometimes they repeat things they heard as a child that were harmful.

But they also notice it. That awareness allows them to repair the relationship, and repair matters more than perfection ever will.

When parents repair with their children, they teach them that mistakes are okay. They teach them how to take responsibility, how to reconnect, and how to build healthy relationships.

That is something many parents were never taught, and it changes everything. So, when the self-questioning starts again, it can help to take a step back.

Remember that you are doing something incredibly hard. You are parenting in a way you were never parented. You are learning as you go. You are choosing something different. That matters more than doing it perfectly ever could. You deserve compassion. You always did. And now, you get to give some of that compassion to yourself.