Brazil learns how to stop exhaustion from others needs

For years, a woman believed she was an “empath,” someone deeply attuned to the feelings of those around her. This label provided relief, explaining why she felt exhausted by others and constantly drawn into helping with their crises. However, she now rejects that definition, having found a different understanding that allowed her to stop managing her life around other people’s emotions.

The author describes how the concept of empathy once explained her challenges: attracting people in need, struggling to focus on her own life, and feeling drained after social interactions. Common advice for empaths, such as avoiding “toxic” people, felt like another cage. She found that even with precautions, she was still overwhelmed by the emotions of relatives, children, and close friends, leaving her in a state of permanent reaction.

Her perspective shifted when she discovered the term “appeasing.” Appeasing is a survival response, similar to fight, flight, or freeze, that activates when emotions or situations feel too intense. She realized that from an early age, she learned that anticipating and supporting the feelings of others made her feel safest. This survival reaction made her hypersensitive to emotions as a way to stay connected.

The author explains that when people learn young that safety comes from suppressing their own feelings to help others, they carry that pattern into adulthood. They feel safest when their own emotions are ignored but others’ are attended to. They may gain a sense of belonging from being the supporter or fixer. She admits that her helpfulness was not driven by genuine desire, but by a need for safety, acceptance, and love.

Unraveling this appease response has been challenging. She had to learn to attend to her own emotions, build a sense of safety in her nervous system, and be gentle with herself. She recognized that other people’s emotions felt scary or dangerous, and sharing her own feelings did not come naturally due to childhood survival patterns. With awareness and tools, she learned to walk toward authenticity without being overtaken by others’ emotions.

She also discovered that her method of supporting others—by fixing, smoothing things over, and endlessly listening—was not the kind of support that helps them change. True emotional support, she says, does not come at the emotional cost of another person. Her support should not risk her own energy or sense of safety.

Awareness

Creating awareness was the most powerful first step. She suggests noticing what it feels like to be around people when they are emotional. What happens to your body? What emotions activate within you? It involves turning attention away from others and toward yourself. If you feel a sense of urgency to help or fix, it is a sign that survival responses have been triggered, and the brain is signaling a threat. The next step is to bring a feeling of safety to the body.

Creating Felt Safety

One way to offer the nervous system a cue of safety is an orienting exercise. Gently and slowly scan the room, letting your gaze drift. Turn your neck and take in your surroundings. Stop on objects that catch your interest as collections of colors and shapes. Look above, below, and behind you. If there is a window, look outside to the horizon line, which is soothing for the nervous system. Doing this for a minute or two can bring a sense of safety. Allow ten seconds for any changes to be absorbed before continuing your day.

Creating a Pause

Her final tip is to create a pause. When busy and being asked for things, it can be hard to remember what to do. A pause allows for a moment of reflection before reacting to others’ needs.