Brazil overcomes ultra-independence to embrace love and support

“Ultra-independence is a coping mechanism we develop when we’ve learned it’s not safe to trust love or when we are terrified to lose ourselves in another. We aren’t meant to go it alone. We are wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship.” That observation, from the writer Rising Woman, opens a reflection on a pattern many people experience: feeling they must do everything on their own.

For those who struggle to ask for and receive help, fearing disappointment, the phrase “ultra-independence may be a trauma response” may ring true. The author says she lived most of her life that way. It was a survival strategy that kept her safe but also left her deeply lonely. She lived in constant anxiety and physical exhaustion because she believed she had to handle everything alone.

Ultra-independence often stems from a lack of trust in others or a feeling of being unworthy of love and support. Some people believe that by refusing help and handling everything themselves, they will earn love and acceptance by not being a burden. But maintaining connections and receiving support are basic human needs. When a person says they do not need anyone, that often comes from a protective part of the self that wants to avoid hurt, abuse, criticism, disappointment, or rejection.

The author notes that even considering the possibility of wanting or needing support can trigger an internal alarm: “No way, it’s not safe.” That keeps the thoughts at bay. People may worry that asking for anything makes them weak or too needy, confusing it with codependency. But humans are not meant to do everything alone, and there is such a thing as healthy interdependence. Ultra-independence can also be an extreme unspoken boundary. Learning to set healthy boundaries may help people feel safe in situations where they previously feared losing themselves.

Sometimes the need for ultra-independence arises because vulnerability feels unsafe. Letting people in may expose flaws and insecurities or trigger unresolved traumas and wounds. Deep shame may drive a person to avoid connecting with others or receiving support. One of the hardest lessons is that while relationships can cause pain, supportive relationships can also bring healing and a sense of safety.

The author shares that this idea did not make sense to her at first. In her relationships, she often experienced criticism, hurt, rejection, and being screamed at for having normal human feelings and needs. Part of her wanted connections, but another part was afraid. As a child, asking for anything made her father angry. Living in a world where she felt all alone, believing she had to do everything herself while watching others receive support, was difficult.

Ultra-independence eventually led her to deny and suppress her needs and feelings because trying to manage everything alone became overwhelming, especially at a young age. At fifteen she developed anorexia, and she struggled with depression, anxiety, and self-harm for over twenty-three years. At age twenty she let her guard down and got a boyfriend. He bought her gifts but attached strings. If she did not do what he wanted, he took the gifts back. He became obsessed, waited outside her house when she would not talk to him, and drew her back with gifts and seductive words.

She became confused, wondering if she could only receive support when she was a slave to somebody. After breaking up with him, she vowed never to receive anything from anyone again. Years later, a friend helped her heal that vow. During a trip to Palm Springs, they played slot machines. He put in $20, and she said, “It’s your money if we win.” They won $200 on the first spin. He told her to cash out. She tried to give him the money, chasing him around the casino. She did not want to receive from him, thinking it meant she owed him. But he understood her struggle and told her he did not want anything in return, that giving to friends and family made him happy. That experience helped her see things differently.

Her healing journey truly began at age forty, when she started learning how to reconnect with herself, her needs, and her feelings, and began healing the trauma she carried. She learned how to ask for support. It was not easy at first. Some people got mad at her; others were happy to help. Instead of blaming or shaming herself for the belief that she had to do everything alone, she made peace with the part of her that felt it did not need anybody. By listening to its fears, she began to understand why it thought she needed protection. It revealed the pain of being rejected, hurt, and screamed at for having human feelings and needs, and the desire to avoid that pain again.

She listened to that part of herself with compassion, acknowledged and validated its fear and pain, thanked it, and let it know it was now loved and safe. She asked what it really wanted. It said, “I want to have true connections. I want to feel safe with and receive support from others, but I’m afraid.” By giving that part a chance to speak and share its intentions, she was able to help it gain a new understanding and feel loved and safe. She also developed a more realistic view of who is and is not safe, instead of seeing no one as safe based on outdated programming from past traumas.

Ultra-independence did help her heal from years of struggling with anorexia, depression, and anxiety. After twenty-three years of hospital visits, treatment centers, and traditional therapy with no success, she finally took her healing into her own hands, doing most of it on her own. However, being in a loving and supportive environment with people who did not try to fix, control, or save her was also helpful. Humans are not meant to do life alone, though being alone can be comforting when fear of being hurt is present.

This does not mean people should force themselves to ask for and receive support, especially if they are afraid. The first step is to create a loving relationship with oneself and understand where the need for ultra-independence comes from. A helpful question to ask is “Why is it not okay for me to receive support?” Sitting with that part, allowing it to show its beliefs, and listening with compassion can reveal what it really wants and needs. Receiving support is not about total dependence on others, which only leads to frustration. Learning independence and meeting one’s own needs is also important. It is not a choice between one or the other. Both are necessary.

Learning how to connect with feelings and needs, communicate them, and make requests matters. For example, if someone is going through a challenge and wants support, they can say, “I’m having a hard time right now, and I would really like someone who I can talk to, someone who will just listen without trying to change me or my situation. Is that something you would be willing to do?” If that feels impossible, it may help to start with small steps, such as sharing a minor need with a trusted person and noticing the response. Over time, the fear of receiving can lessen, and connections can deepen.