Brazil unveils little-known truth to end people-pleasing for good

“Being a people-pleaser may be more than a personality trait; it could be a response to serious trauma,” writes Alex Bachert.

Bachert grew up in a home, school and church that placed a high value on good behavior, self-discipline and corporal punishment. She describes herself as a model child, quiet and pleasant, who never got sent to the principal’s office. Complaining and what she calls “ugly” emotions were not allowed. Although she was rambunctious as a toddler, that part of her personality had been “cleansed” by the time she reached school age. She says she had no other choice. The slightest hint that someone was upset with her made her feel unsafe in her own body.

She carried this pattern into adulthood. She found jobs with supervisors who would lose their temper often. She worked extra hard to avoid getting into trouble. When her coworkers were yelled at, they laughed it off. But when anger was directed at her, she was overwhelmed with anxiety. She could not understand why her coworkers could brush off a manager’s anger while she felt triggered for hours.

Bachert says she eventually learned the answer. Some people are conditioned from a young age to develop a deep fear of losing their sense of belonging and safety in relationships. To cope with that fear, they develop strategies that turn into people-pleasing habits.

According to Bachert, people-pleasers share a common trait: feeling beholden to others. They put their own needs last and feel obligated to manage everyone else’s happiness. They are hypersensitive to being judged, shamed or rejected. They worry about what other people think and overextend themselves to be helpful. When they try to stand up for themselves, they suffer from anxiety and guilt.

If these patterns are not addressed, she warns, a person can eventually feel resentful, frustrated and angry. It compromises emotional and physical well-being and contributes to a feeling of powerlessness. Bachert emphasizes that we are not responsible for juggling other people’s emotions, we do not owe anyone comfort, and our time, energy and well-being are not up for negotiation. She adds that we cannot control how other people show up in relationships, but we can change our own patterns of powerlessness.

Brain Ruts

Bachert says it is not a mystery what people should do instead of carrying the burden of people-pleasing: set boundaries, speak your truth, be more confrontational, advocate for yourself, separate your feelings from others, and put your needs first. The question is what gets in the way.

She argues that change does not come through sheer willpower or more self-discipline. People do not need to “grow some balls” or muscle through anxiety and guilt. Giving up generosity or empathy is not required. Being “thicker-skinned” is not the answer. Bachert calls sensitivity a gift.

The little‑known truth, she writes, is that people‑pleasing is a learned pattern that gets turned on in the unconscious mind over and over. Avoiding conflict, freezing up when needing to speak up, and feeling guilty are all survival strategies. These strategies are automated behaviors, thoughts and emotions that repeat unconsciously. She says people are not fully in control of how their people‑pleasing habits show up, which is why “trying harder” does not work.

Bachert notes that 90 percent of how we show up in life is unconscious and based on the past. The brain automates decisions, behaviors and feelings to save energy. She compares bad habits to brain ruts. Each time a people‑pleasing habit appears, the brain rides down the same neural pathway, deepening the grooves. The well‑worn path feels safer than the unfamiliar, risky “wild grass.” But the wild grass represents the life a person could be living, one where they take up space, put their needs first, and feel good emotionally.

Planting Seeds

Bachert asks: if people‑pleasing were no longer a problem, what would be possible? She suggests imagining a scenario in which the unconscious mind has been reconfigured and it feels easy to be confident, powerful and unapologetic. She lists questions: Whose rules would you stop following? What boundaries would you put in place? Whose misdirected emotions would you feel bulletproof against? What truths would you speak?

She explains that fantasizing about an ideal life is intoxicating because a part of the brain does not know the difference between real and imaginary. This is why we get emotionally pulled into TV and movies. When the critical thinking part of the mind quiets down, we access the unconscious mind, where habits are formed. To get out of a people‑pleasing brain rut, Bachert says, you need to plant seeds in the unconscious mind to influence yourself to show up the way you want. With repetition, these seeds build new neural pathways.

One powerful way is visualization while in a deeply relaxed state. Bachert offers tips. Start in the right frame of mind: visualization works best when you are calm. If you are triggered, self‑regulate first. She recommends a breathing exercise combined with acupressure on the wrist. Grab one wrist with the opposite hand and squeeze. Take a big inhale, hold for a couple seconds, then exhale twice as long. Repeat two to three times. Then find a quiet place without interruptions.

Get specific: the brain works in specific ways. If you want to be someone who lives life on your terms, imagine exactly what that looks like. See yourself in specific situations, acting and feeling as you wish.